Disclaimer; Faces have blacked out and names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved, and I don’t kiss and tell yo.
As anyone who is juggling school, work, a social life, gym and a host of other things, I have found myself on a few online dating sites recently. It’s easy and doesn’t require drinking massive amounts of alcohol and slurring “HEY!” at girls in bars. So I decided to give it a chance. What do I have to lose?
Apart from some weird tendencies and a severely inappropriate sense of humor I am quite a normal guy; I have all my limbs, I read books, I dance and enjoy spending time with people I like. So you can guess my surprise at some of the weirdos and freaks I have met during my travels on this weird trip called online dating. As you can see below;
I don’t even know anymore. Awkward taco anyone?
Eventually as I weed through the awkwardness of sending messages and replying back I really click it off with a girl. She’s cute, smart and laughs at my jokes. What else could a man axe for? So as any red blooded male would do, I axe girlie for her number to set up a date, when I get hit with this;
Fun stuff ehh?
The one girl that automatically doesn’t insult me or take my interest in her as me trying to arbitrary fuck her in the stall of the Eaton centre washroom lives in Peterborough. Karma is a bitch.
But it’s cool, you gotta take the wins and the losses. She’s cool, and I like talking to her so we keep in contact and send weird and quirky snapchats to each other.
In the midst of all this trolling and snapchats of dogs pretending to be gentlemen, girlie notifies me she will be in Toronto this upcoming weekend for a friend’s birthday.
As you can expect I am doing figurative cartwheels. They’re figurative cause I don’t know how to really do cartwheels. But the show must go on regardless so I continue as usual; trolling people, drinking coffee and lifting heavy things.
But as the predestined weekend rolls up I am beaming with excitement. Only early in the day did I meet the other love of my life Sara, whom I will always remember. She’s going on a boat for a very very long time. The most redeeming quality about her was her smile and the fact that she has 6 times more cloths than me. This is us at Pontini’s;
Can you feel that? It’s called real wove.
But back to the original story. I text girlie and figure out she’s going to good ol’ Clintons. I love that place, I used to read poetry there. So I say cool, and tell her I will arrive later. I gotta spend time with a friend and finish up some work.
Eventually after awhile I head over to my friend’s place and we shoot the shit as I accuse him of wearing tight pants and being awkward. After a bit, I bid my friend a farewell and make my way to Clintons.
So I arrive there and text girlie, but get no answer. Her phone must of died or she’s dancing to what I believe is country music. Dammit. That’s my only weakness. So I move forward and find myself surrounded by drunk strangers dancing to country music. How did I find myself in this situation? Oh well, let’s make friends.
In any social situation where I find myself alone and bewildered I usually just chat up people and make friends. So this one wouldn’t be any different, as I strike up a conversation with a dude and tell him how awkward I feel and the jest of the situation I am in.
Me: Yea mane, I am here meeting up with a girl I met off of Okcupid
Him: WTF! Really?
Me: Yea, but I think her phone died
Him: Shit, what are you going to do now?
Me: Attempt to find her
Him: Well coat-check your stuff and get to it
Me: Yea mane
As you can tell I make friends easy as I coat-check my jacket. There is no going back now. As I am looking for girlie my new fond friends are interested in meeting some girls so I encourage them to take the first move and do it, and this is when I run into girlie and pat her head;
Girlie: OMG it’s you
Me: The one and only
Girlie: I can’t believe you really came
Me: I said I would
Girlie: You’re cute
As you can tell it was a bit awkward as we stumble through what appears to be her disbelief that I actually came and me at the fact that she is obviously a little drunk, and smitten by me already.
We dance for a bit as she disappears to go talk with her friend, and appears a few minutes later to buy a drink, as she offers me one but I decline. Not down! We shot the shit regardless, which roughly translate into her complimenting me and me feeling weird about these compliments.
Eventually we start having fun, as she darts back to her friend. At this point I am thinking, “WTF HAVE I GOT MYSELF INTO?” But as anyone knows, bad decisions make for good stories. So I continue on.
I chill with my newly fond friends and eventually set off to find girlie. I find her and engage her, and as I start talking she motions to a guy she was dancing with and her friend who is also dancing to a guy. I automatically take the cue, as she whispers something to her friend and continues dancing with the guy.
I must have been too late, as both girls must have already found someone they liked. Sometimes that’s the way the game goes. So I leave and continue to engage my newly fond friends, as one of them mention that they are smitten by one of the girls nearby. So I walk up to her and say;
Me: Hey, my friend over there thinks you’re cute
Her: Oh really?
Me: Yea, but he’s too shy to say hi, go talk to him!
So she goes and talks to him, as I chill back and kick it with another one of the fellas. I then decide if I can’t get laid myself I will do my best to get my newly made friends laid instead, or at least in a better position to then myself. It is the Weekend of Love right?
As we’re talking a girl walks by and says hi, as I motion for him to go talk to her, as he does and they kick it off smoothly. Cupid would be proud. In the midst of all this I grab a cup of water and start chatting up some random drunk guy about how this night is weird and I just want to go home and watch my Little Pony. True story.
Eventually the lights come on and I realize it’s already 2:30 am. That’s my cue to leave. So I bid my new friends a farewell, as they’re individually hitting it off with girls and go home and make a disgusting green shake.
The green shake from hell yo.
So all in all it was a interesting turn of events, and as my first OkCupid date ends, the moral of the story still remains fairly vague; online dating is weird as fuck but interesting. So who knows? The verdict is still out on this one. As for Girlie, no more weird or quirky snapchats for her!