“Own only what you can always carry with you: know languages, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag. Use your memory! Use your memory! It is those bitter seeds alone which might sprout and grow someday.
Look around you – there are people around you. Maybe you will remember one of them all your life and later eat your heart out because you didn’t make use of the opportunity to ask him questions. And the less you talk, the more you’ll hear.”
I guess the deeper we go down this road we call life the more we uncover things we’d hope we’d never have to deal with. Be it forced into situations that are unpleasant or feelings that ain’t natural to us before but this is a good thing. The experiment called life is suppose to force you to grow and become a better person and you can only do this through continually pushing and subjecting yourself to new experiences. Which is a nut fuck in and of itself. But this is life. Standing still equates stagnation and stagnation equals death. This is something I’ve forgotten in the last couples of months and what I am slowly getting back to. The never ending cycle of it, is truly amazing.
The journey lives on as long as the heart beats, for travelers are far inbetween, and the road chosen is the one taken by those forsaken, for the continual seeking of knowledge will eventually lead to blissful madness, for those brave enough to seek it.
So I spend the majority of my day updating my ipod because frankly I love my ipod more than anything and enjoy the shit out of music.
During all of this musical updating I get a text from a friend telling me about how great the taste of Danforth is and what not. I ponder for a moment and consider going down there and then realize that it’s gonna be really hot and really crowded and seeing as I am anti-social as fuck, I blow that off to continue updating my ipod. Priorities people. Priorities.
Eventually I finish up and make my way down there. I happen to arrive earlier than my friends so I spend the next thirty minutes just wandering around enjoying the foody scenery of the taste of Danforth.
It was cool and like the weekend beforehand I felt completely at home walking around derping in a huge crowd. Meh.
Eventually I get a call from my friend saying they’re here but due to my awesome ass phone I can’t get any reception so after trying for twenty minutes to find them I give up and suddenly run into them. Ironic.
We grab food and immediately feel shitty afterwards. Good ol’ non-bulletproof food. Whatever. Today is my day off.
We chill for a bit and afterwards we all decided to head to a jazz bar and chill out. So we aggressively ditch the taste of Danforth and make it into the city. Fuck huge groups of people!
We make it to the jazz bar and chill out and enjoy the musical entertainment of the jazz group playing in the background while we tell inappropriate jokes and stories to each other loudly so the other patrons can hear. We’re such gentlemen.
Eventually the rest of the group makes it to the jazz bar after finishing two bottles of wine, as expected. We spend more time fucking around and joking at this here jazz bar. We then start discussing the plans for the rest of the night. There were a few options available to us:
-Some brown club in Mississauga
-Go home and jerk off
Mind I say this is after we’ve had a few rounds so our decision-making abilities are impaired and not as good as we would want them to be. But I digress. After much discussion we decide to hit homie hq. Homie hq is always a party.
So we somehow make it to the venue and on the way to the venue I somehow start a conversation with these french girls. I just stop walking and stood there and scared one of them and then mumbled bullshit and we were off into a conversation. I’m amazing.
We all chat with said girls but they’re french and hate me so after my friend tries to run off with one of them we decide to ditch them and get to the trap music.
We get in and immediately head to the dance floor and trap it out. Homie hq at it’s finest. Everytime we come here we always just go crazy and crave our own area in the dance floor regardless if there are people there or not.
Eventually I go to get water because I been dancing too hard and bump into this girl. As any red-blooded male would I start a conversation. Usual bullshit but I can’t seem to understand why this big brown dude is eye-fucking the girl. So I ask her:
Me: Is that your boyfriend?
Me: That brown dude eye-fucking you!
Her: No, not at all
Well seeing as that’s taken care off I continue to spit bullshit and realize this girl is kinda meh but dtf.
At this point in my life I realize I’d rather spend time with the boys then spend time arbitrarily trying to fuck a girl I really don’t like. Which has happened about a month ago and has forever tainted me for doing so. So I realize this and think of the viable options left for myself.
Either I go back and have fun with the boys and have fun or I sit here and mildly amuse myself with a girl who is boring for the next two-hours or so in order to get laid.
But before I could make a decision the girl’s friend comes up and immediately blurts out:
Her: You’re really pretty
Her: Who are you?
Her: Hi, I’m Jill
Me: Oh hey
Her: Wow you’re really pretty
Me: Thanks, I got it from my Momma
In my head I’m all like:
In the midst of all this trolling and bluntfulliness she does something that turns this bleak situation into something I could work with. She turns to me and says:
Her: I wish this guy behind me would stop dancing
Me: Why’s that
Her: Because he dances like an idiot
Me: Oh, so just tell him that
Her: I can’t
Oh girls. They’re so adorable.
The guy she is with which may I say is 6”2 is now eyeing me down, he must sense something is off and that the girl he spent most of the night is now laughing and really touchy with me and grabs her.
So I get the bright idea that maybe I could pull a bait and switch. I pulled one off here last week with two friends so I have done it before, although in a more coherent state but I know it is possible. I then figure out whether he is her boyfriend or some guy she just met.
Me: Oh hey, how do you know that guy
Her: I just met him
Me: Oh okay!
Ding-ding-ding we have a winner. In any case I am not usually a scumbag but in the game of love there are no rules except victory goes to the most bold and that If you lost her you never had her to begin with.
So far from this simple interaction I know two things: the girl just met this guy tonight and that she is interested in me.
So seeing as I figured that out I have to figure out what I am gonna do with the original girl. Then from the corner of my eye I see the brown dude and everything clicks in place.
If I can manage to sway the brown dude to approach the girl he has obviously been eyeing all night and then just run my usual bullshit and be pretty thing on the friend. This will work out.
So I walk off and spend the next few minutes motivating the brown dude to go talk to the other girl. He is hesitant and just wants to stare at her but if you know me like I do this is cake and eventually I get him to approach her. After he does I go approach the friend and just grab her while she is talking to the dude and give her the rundown.
In the past I would have run some sort of elaborate gambit that would have translated into me juggling chain saws while on a unicycle on a tightrope. But these days I could care less so I break it down for her and make her decided. Either she’s down or not.
Me: *Convoluted explanation that involved me using my hands that ends with me asking her if she fancies me more than the tall dude that can’t dance?*
Her: *Looks at me and looks at the tall dude that can’t dance*
Me: *Makes a funny face*
Her: I really like you but I spent the entire night with him
Me: That’s cool,
Her: I’m sorry
Me: It’s cool, have a good night
Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn.
So at this point I have two options: either I go back to the original girl who is kinda meh or spend the rest of the night trolling with the boys.
This is an easy decision.
The brown dude left for some reason so I tell the original girl that I will use the washroom and be back and I just leave. Fun times.
But I’m not a total scumbag, so I tell my one of my boys that the girl likes him and he goes and approaches her and does his thing.
At this time everyone is scattered around the venue so I walk up and mumble more bullshit and start a conversation with a girl who is dancing by herself in a corner who happens to be a redheaded yoga instructor. I like redheads.
We chat a bit and she’s cool but dances funny. White people. Whatever. I mumble more bullshit interspersed with funny faces and the occasional witty remark and we’re off.
Due to the fact that we arrived here at like 1:45 am any attempts to get laid are kind of futile if not shots in the dark. So by this time it’s 2:30 am and I know this is a long shot but I persist anyways. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
Me: Yooooooooooo let’s grab food
Her: I can’t, I have to go back to my friends
Her: Because I left my stuff there and I am moving to Victoria in a couple of days
Me: Oh shit!
Me: That’s cool, I’m probably gonna go grab food and then go home and jerk off, tonight has been special
Me: Well It was nice meeting you and have a safe trip
Her: You too *hugs me*
Some you win and some you lose. I then make my way out the venue and run into the boys as we laugh at tonight adventure and continue trolling people and each other into the night. Fun times.
All in all a good days work.
So the morale of the story is that it’s alright to be a scumbag as long as you go for something you want even though it means coming up with some convoluted plan and dealing with multiple variables and all that jazz because well you never know, It might just work.
Scumbag Ash out!
Throw in a three dudes who are into self development into a room, add a lot of beer and start recording and this is what you’ll get, plus not to mention all the douchbaggery involved. Enjoy.
I always enjoyed the Harlem Shake song, but I will always remember it with one of the funniest nights I had.
This happened about a month ago. It was a Thursday before a holiday Friday so everything was packed because people didn’t have to work the next day.
We had made it late to the venue due to talking shit and bullshitting in the batcave beforehand. So we manage to get to the venue around 12 and it was packed, like people who ordered bottles are still waiting outside packed. Just bananas.
Which isn’t usually a problem for us as we frequent this venue so much we can usually still get in pretty fast but tonight was different.
We ended up waiting for ten or so minutes and as we do we can hear the music bumping.
Apparently they were having some sort of party to introduce a new line of vodka.
So as we’re waiting outside we hear the Harlem Shake and my friend goes:
Friend: Shit, we just missed the Harlem Shake, we might as well just go home and jerk off
We all just of laughter at this. Just the context of how he said it and how ridiculous the situation was; old people in expensive suits, girls in cocktails dresses dressed to kill and then you have us just chilling cracking jokes.
We soon figure out that this shit ain’t happening so we decided soon afterwards to meet up with some friends at a different venue and proceed to tear it up as we usually do. It was really funny.
So the morale of this story is when in doubt Harlem Shake or make jokes about jerking off, either or is acceptable in my books.
“Most of the time I just want a sandwich and a hug.” – Ash