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My First OkCupid Date

Disclaimer; Faces have blacked out and names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved, and I don’t kiss and tell yo.

As anyone who is juggling school, work, a social life, gym and a host of other things, I have found myself on a few online dating sites recently. It’s easy and doesn’t require drinking massive amounts of alcohol and slurring “HEY!” at girls in bars. So I decided to give it a chance. What do I have to lose?

Apart from some weird tendencies and a severely inappropriate sense of humor I am quite a normal guy; I have all my limbs, I read books, I dance and enjoy spending time with people I like. So you can guess my surprise at some of the weirdos and freaks I have met during my travels on this weird trip called online dating. As you can see below;

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Da Fuck?

I don’t even know anymore. Awkward taco anyone? 

Eventually as I weed through the awkwardness of sending messages and replying back I really click it off with a girl. She’s cute, smart and laughs at my jokes. What else could a man axe for? So as any red blooded male would do, I axe girlie for her number to set up a date, when I get hit with this;

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Fun stuff ehh?

The one girl that automatically doesn’t insult me or take my interest in her as me trying to arbitrary fuck her in the stall of the Eaton centre washroom lives in Peterborough. Karma is a bitch.

But it’s cool, you gotta take the wins and the losses. She’s cool, and I like talking to her so we keep in contact and send weird and quirky snapchats to each other.

In the midst of all this trolling and snapchats of dogs pretending to be gentlemen, girlie notifies me she will be in Toronto this upcoming weekend for a friend’s birthday.

As you can expect I am doing figurative cartwheels. They’re figurative cause I don’t know how to really do cartwheels. But the show must go on regardless so I continue as usual; trolling people, drinking coffee and lifting heavy things.

But as the predestined weekend rolls up I am beaming with excitement. Only early in the day did I meet the other love of my life Sara, whom I will always remember. She’s going on a boat for a very very long time. The most redeeming quality about her was her smile and the fact that she has 6 times more cloths than me. This is us at Pontini’s;

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Can you feel that? It’s called real wove.

But back to the original story. I text girlie and figure out she’s going to good ol’ Clintons.  I love that place, I used to read poetry there. So I say cool, and tell her I will arrive later. I gotta spend time with a friend and finish up some work.

Eventually after awhile I head over to my friend’s place and we shoot the shit as I accuse him of wearing tight pants and being awkward. After a bit, I bid my friend a farewell and make my way to Clintons.

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Adventure anyone?

So I arrive there and text girlie, but get no answer. Her phone must of died or she’s dancing to what I believe is country music. Dammit. That’s my only weakness. So I move forward and find myself surrounded by drunk strangers dancing to country music. How did I find myself in this situation? Oh well, let’s make friends.

In any social situation where I find myself alone and bewildered I usually just chat up people and make friends. So this one wouldn’t be any different, as I strike up a conversation with a dude and tell him how awkward I feel and the jest of the situation I am in.

Me: Yea mane, I am here meeting up with a girl I met off of Okcupid
Him: WTF! Really?
Me: Yea, but I think her phone died
Him: Shit, what are you going to do now?
Me: Attempt to find her
Him: Well coat-check your stuff and get to it
Me: Yea mane

As you can tell I make friends easy as I coat-check my jacket. There is no going back now. As I am looking for girlie my new fond friends are interested in meeting some girls so I encourage them to take the first move and do it, and this is when I run into girlie and pat her head;

Me: Heyy!
Girlie: OMG it’s you
Me: The one and only
Girlie: I can’t believe you really came
Me: I said I would
Girlie: You’re cute
Me: Thanks?

As you can tell it was a bit awkward as we stumble through what appears to be her disbelief that I actually came and me at the fact that she is obviously a little drunk, and smitten by me already.

We dance for a bit as she disappears to go talk with her friend, and appears a few minutes later to buy a drink, as she offers me one but I decline. Not down! We shot the shit regardless, which roughly translate into her complimenting me and me feeling weird about these compliments.

Eventually we start having fun, as she darts back to her friend. At this point I am thinking, “WTF HAVE I GOT MYSELF INTO?” But as anyone knows, bad decisions make for good stories. So I continue on.

I chill with my newly fond friends and eventually set off to find girlie. I find her and engage her, and as I start talking she motions to a guy she was dancing with and her friend who is also dancing to a guy. I automatically take the cue, as she whispers something to her friend and continues dancing with the guy.

I must have been too late, as both girls must have already found someone they liked. Sometimes that’s the way the game goes. So I leave and continue to engage my newly fond friends, as one of them mention that they are smitten by one of the girls nearby. So I walk up to her and say;

Me: Hey, my friend over there thinks you’re cute
Her: Oh really?
Me: Yea, but he’s too shy to say hi, go talk to him!
Her: Okay

So she goes and talks to him, as I chill back and kick it with another one of the fellas. I then decide if I can’t get laid myself I will do my best to get my newly made friends laid instead, or at least in a better position to then myself. It is the Weekend of Love right?

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As we’re talking a girl walks by and says hi, as I motion for him to go talk to her, as he does and they kick it off smoothly. Cupid would be proud. In the midst of all this I grab a cup of water and start chatting up some random drunk guy about how this night is weird and I just want to go home and watch my Little Pony. True story.

Eventually the lights come on and I realize it’s already 2:30 am. That’s my cue to leave. So I bid my new friends a farewell, as they’re individually hitting it off with girls and go home and make a disgusting green shake.

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The green shake from hell yo.

So all in all it was a interesting turn of events, and as my first OkCupid date ends, the moral of the story still remains fairly vague; online dating is weird as fuck but interesting. So who knows? The verdict is still out on this one. As for Girlie, no more weird or quirky snapchats for her!

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“Own only what you can always carry with you: know languages, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag. Use your memory! Use your memory! It is those bitter seeds alone which might sprout and grow someday.

Look around you – there are people around you. Maybe you will remember one of them all your life and later eat your heart out because you didn’t make use of the opportunity to ask him questions. And the less you talk, the more you’ll hear.”

Aleksandr SolzhenitsynThe Gulag Archipelago 1918-1956

“Own only what …

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Drive

I guess the deeper we go down this road we call life the more we uncover things we’d hope we’d never have to deal with. Be it forced into situations that are unpleasant or feelings that ain’t natural to us before but this is a good thing. The experiment called life is suppose to force you to grow and become a better person and you can only do this through continually pushing and subjecting yourself to new experiences. Which is a nut fuck in and of itself. But this is life. Standing still equates stagnation and stagnation equals death. This is something I’ve forgotten in the last couples of months and what I am slowly getting back to. The never ending cycle of it, is truly amazing. 

The journey lives on as long as the heart beats, for travelers are far inbetween, and the road chosen is the one taken by those forsaken, for the continual seeking of knowledge will eventually lead to blissful madness, for those brave enough to seek it.

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Adventure Times

The Adventure of Scumbag Ash’s Bait and Switch

So I spend the majority of my day updating my ipod because frankly I love my ipod more than anything and enjoy the shit out of music.

During all of this musical updating I get a text from a friend telling me about how great the taste of Danforth is and what not. I ponder for a moment and consider going down there and then realize that it’s gonna be really hot and really crowded and seeing as I am anti-social as fuck, I blow that off to continue updating my ipod. Priorities people. Priorities.

Eventually I finish up and make my way down there. I happen to arrive earlier than my friends so I spend the next thirty minutes just wandering around enjoying the foody scenery of the taste of Danforth.

It was cool and like the weekend beforehand I felt completely at home walking around derping in a huge crowd. Meh.

Eventually I get a call from my friend saying they’re here but due to my awesome ass phone I can’t get any reception so after trying for twenty minutes to find them I give up and suddenly run into them. Ironic.

We grab food and immediately feel shitty afterwards. Good ol’ non-bulletproof food. Whatever. Today is my day off.

We chill for a bit and afterwards we all decided to head to a jazz bar and chill out. So we aggressively ditch the taste of Danforth and make it into the city. Fuck huge groups of people!

We make it to the jazz bar and chill out and enjoy the musical entertainment of the jazz group playing in the background while we tell inappropriate jokes and stories to each other loudly so the other patrons can hear. We’re such gentlemen.

Eventually the rest of the group makes it to the jazz bar after finishing two bottles of wine, as expected. We spend more time fucking around and joking at this here jazz bar. We then start discussing the plans for the rest of the night. There were a few options available to us:

-Mansion Party

-Homie Hq

-Some brown club in Mississauga

-Madison

-Go home and jerk off

Mind I say this is after we’ve had a few rounds so our decision-making abilities are impaired and not as good as we would want them to be. But I digress. After much discussion we decide to hit homie hq. Homie hq is always a party.

So we somehow make it to the venue and on the way to the venue I somehow start a conversation with these french girls. I just stop walking and stood there and scared one of them and then mumbled bullshit and we were off into a conversation. I’m amazing.

We all chat with said girls but they’re french and hate me so after my friend tries to run off with one of them we decide to ditch them and get to the trap music.

We get in and immediately head to the dance floor and trap it out. Homie hq at it’s finest. Everytime we come here we always just go crazy and crave our own area in the dance floor regardless if there are people there or not.

Exhibit A:

Eventually I go to get water because I been dancing too hard and bump into this girl. As any red-blooded male would I start a conversation. Usual bullshit but I can’t seem to understand why this big brown dude is eye-fucking the girl. So I ask her:

Me: Is that your boyfriend?

Her: Who?

Me: That brown dude eye-fucking you!

Her: No, not at all

Me: Okay?

Well seeing as that’s taken care off I continue to spit bullshit and realize this girl is kinda meh but dtf.

At this point in my life I realize I’d rather spend time with the boys then spend time arbitrarily trying to fuck a girl I really don’t like. Which has happened about a month ago and has forever tainted me for doing so. So I realize this and think of the viable options left for myself.

Either I go back and have fun with the boys and have fun or I sit here and mildly amuse myself with a girl who is boring for the next two-hours or so in order to get laid. 

But before I could make a decision the girl’s friend comes up and immediately blurts out:

Her: You’re really pretty

Me: Thanks!

Her: Who are you?

Me: Ash

Her: Hi, I’m Jill

Me: Oh hey

Her: Wow you’re really pretty

Me: Thanks, I got it from my Momma

Her: Hahahahha

In my head I’m all like:

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In the midst of all this trolling and bluntfulliness she does something that turns this bleak situation into something I could work with. She turns to me and says:

Her: I wish this guy behind me would stop dancing

Me: Why’s that

Her: Because he dances like an idiot

Me: Oh, so just tell him that

Her: I can’t :(

Oh girls. They’re so adorable.

The guy she is with which may I say is 6”2 is now eyeing me down, he must sense something is off and that the girl he spent most of the night is now laughing and really touchy with me and grabs her.

So I get the bright idea that maybe I could pull a bait and switch. I pulled one off here last week with two friends so I have done it before, although in a more coherent state but I know it is possible. I then figure out whether he is her boyfriend or some guy she just met.

Me: Oh hey, how do you know that guy

Her: I just met him

Me: Oh okay!

Ding-ding-ding we have a winner. In any case I am not usually a scumbag but in the game of love there are no rules except victory goes to the most bold and that If you lost her you never had her to begin with.

So far from this simple interaction I know two things: the girl just met this guy tonight and that she is interested in me.

AW YEA

So seeing as I figured that out I have to figure out what I am gonna do with the original girl. Then from the corner of my eye I see the brown dude and everything clicks in place.

If I can manage to sway the brown dude to approach the girl he has obviously been eyeing all night and then just run my usual bullshit and be pretty thing on the friend. This will work out.

So I walk off and spend the next few minutes motivating the brown dude to go talk to the other girl. He is hesitant and just wants to stare at her but if you know me like I do this is cake and eventually I get him to approach her. After he does I go approach the friend and just grab her while she is talking to the dude and give her the rundown.

In the past I would have run some sort of elaborate gambit that would have translated into me juggling chain saws while on a unicycle on a tightrope. But these days I could care less so I break it down for her and make her decided. Either she’s down or not.

Me: *Convoluted explanation that involved me using my hands that ends with me asking her if she fancies me more than the tall dude that can’t dance?*

Her: *Looks at me and looks at the tall dude that can’t dance*

Me: *Makes a funny face*

Her: I really like you but I spent the entire night with him

Me: That’s cool,

Her: I’m sorry

Me: It’s cool, have a good night

Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn.

So at this point I have two options: either I go back to the original girl who is kinda meh or spend the rest of the night trolling with the boys.

This is an easy decision.

The brown dude left for some reason so I tell the original girl that I will use the washroom and be back and I just leave. Fun times.

But I’m not a total scumbag, so I tell my one of my boys that the girl likes him and he goes and approaches her and does his thing.

At this time everyone is scattered around the venue so I walk up and mumble more bullshit and start a conversation with a girl who is dancing by herself in a corner who happens to be a redheaded yoga instructor. I like redheads.

We chat a bit and she’s cool but dances funny. White people. Whatever. I mumble more bullshit interspersed with funny faces and the occasional witty remark and we’re off.

Due to the fact that we arrived here at like 1:45 am any attempts to get laid are kind of futile if not shots in the dark. So by this time it’s 2:30 am and I know this is a long shot but I persist anyways. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

Me: Yooooooooooo let’s grab food

Her: I can’t, I have to go back to my friends

Me: Hmmmmm

Her: Because I left my stuff there and I am moving to Victoria in a couple of days

Me: Oh shit!

Her: Yeah :(

Me: That’s cool, I’m probably gonna go grab food and then go home and jerk off, tonight has been special

Her: Hahahahahahah

Me: Well It was nice meeting you and have a safe trip

Her: You too *hugs me*

Some you win and some you lose. I then make my way out the venue and run into the boys as we laugh at tonight adventure and continue trolling people and each other into the night. Fun times.

All in all a good days work.

So the morale of the story is that it’s alright to be a scumbag as long as you go for something you want even though it means coming up with some convoluted plan and dealing with multiple variables and all that jazz because well you never know, It might just work.

Scumbag Ash out!

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